Nothing is settled...

I've been in KC for almost two weeks now. The first week was a test of will knowing that i had to be productive and find a job, insurance, take care of school ties, and work out a few details for Katie and my wedding. This week was to be the one where everything gets settled, but it is not...not yet. I have found myself to be anxious about alot of things and praying rather minimal. The word says to be anxious about nothing and pray about everything...so that means i have basically sucked at life this past week. It is frustrating because i know that i must maintain the ever gracious relationship i have with Christ but simply do not. I find myself wanting to but never doing. I could easily cop out of this responsibility by attributing my lack of discipline to my lax schedule since i've been here. I go to bed when i want and wake up when i want, check my email, watch clips of espn online because i don't have cable anymore and then ironically read a book about prayer. What do i do with this?

Strangely I've been okay with this this week. I do not advocate the absence of the word, but in a sense i am trying to understand God and the way i communicate with him, and have realized with all of this stress that i put upon myself by not having a job nailed down that i have been having many short "talks" with God that resound something like "God protect me, or please guide me to what you would want for me." I have been learning how to trust him....on this journey we have ups and downs and things rarely work out the way we would want them to but we always end up okay. I can only attribute this to God's work in my life even when i'm not expecting him to do things, especially in my way.

"God knows what i need, when i need it; i can trust him," these are the coined words of the pastor that preached this past sunday at Central Church of the Nazarene in Lenexa, Kansas. As i was expecting to find out about my job situation today, i found myself unable to sleep last night, then waking up early and just laying in bed repeating those words in my head. God does know what i need, and he does know when i need it...so why is so hard to trust him!!! Frustrating. God's timing is not what i would think, in fact, i could argue that God cares for me so much that he does know what i need and when i need it, therefore if i feel that God has disappointed me by not answering my prayers or whatever that he really is doing what is best for me and there was going to be no way for me to know otherwise.

It is not a foreknowledge that i speak of that is double-sided such as Calvin's predestination. Just because God knows my future does not mean that has sacrificed my own will. My relationship with God is contingent upon my response to him...ALWAYS. In fact, scripture says that God will give us the desires of our hearts, but if one would systematically break that phrase down would one come to the conclusion that we were created in the image of God to be like him in character and that the desires of our hearts would be the actual heart of God and not of ourselves anyways? So nothing is settled...the question is do i trust God? That all depends upon one's perspective of God i guess...and mine is of a loving figure that cares for me more than i can humanly comprehend...why would i ever doubt his provision? But i do...and nothing is settled...but i guess the real question is...does everything have to be settled for me to be happy, or can i live in the moment knowing that I am taken care of and spoken for?