Home.
Home is a unique place. Home is a place where one grows up, whether it is one place or many. Home is always like "home base," a place where you know you are safe. As I grow older, what has always been "home" is now simply "Mom and Dad's." When I see my nieces and nephews running around the same house I used to, I see me - in a simpler time. Home is a place where I can be 100% vulnerable and spill whatever is on my heart no matter the consequence. Why? Because home is a place where I know that no matter what I am accepted.
As my five day stint at my parent's house comes to an end, I laid in bed with extreme anxiety. I began to let my mind take me captive in doubting myself saying, "you aren't there for your teens," "you should have those lessons written by now," "you are letting people down by not being there." Then the lie becomes exposed, and my anxiety begins to melt away as I remember that I am in a safe place, and that the values and lessons that I have learned here still affect my life now, as I begin to confront the doubt and realize that just because I am not at the crux of all of my anxiety right now, does not mean that I am a failure. Failure is a lie that confronts us in our most vulnerable state, but we live in hope that casts out all anxiety.
I realized in this moment that conflict makes us grow. In conflict we have two choices, to be passive and cower, or to oppose it with denial and try to be on the defensive that "yes I am good enough" and such. However, we can confront our issues without "fighting" them in an attempt to show everyone that we are good enough. We expose our issues and realize that anxiety casts doubt, and doubt is a place that is not exposed by light. We carry a hope inside of us and actually live in the presence of light that has come into the world to expose those in darkness and to bring them to light.
Through the growing pain of confronting anxiety, living in vulnerability even it may be uncomfortable, is the place where we can most be changed. It's where I am, and in the transformational hope of being made new everyday is where I want to live. Home.
As my five day stint at my parent's house comes to an end, I laid in bed with extreme anxiety. I began to let my mind take me captive in doubting myself saying, "you aren't there for your teens," "you should have those lessons written by now," "you are letting people down by not being there." Then the lie becomes exposed, and my anxiety begins to melt away as I remember that I am in a safe place, and that the values and lessons that I have learned here still affect my life now, as I begin to confront the doubt and realize that just because I am not at the crux of all of my anxiety right now, does not mean that I am a failure. Failure is a lie that confronts us in our most vulnerable state, but we live in hope that casts out all anxiety.
I realized in this moment that conflict makes us grow. In conflict we have two choices, to be passive and cower, or to oppose it with denial and try to be on the defensive that "yes I am good enough" and such. However, we can confront our issues without "fighting" them in an attempt to show everyone that we are good enough. We expose our issues and realize that anxiety casts doubt, and doubt is a place that is not exposed by light. We carry a hope inside of us and actually live in the presence of light that has come into the world to expose those in darkness and to bring them to light.
Through the growing pain of confronting anxiety, living in vulnerability even it may be uncomfortable, is the place where we can most be changed. It's where I am, and in the transformational hope of being made new everyday is where I want to live. Home.
posted by Levi at
7:36 AM
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