insecurities, short-comings, and failures...
Collectively, I have been in youth ministry since 2005 when I started as an intern. The lessons of ministry that I have learned are vast and various, but one that I have mentioned before and will continue to struggle with is learning how to 'control' and yet 'submit and commit' my ministry to God. Control tells me that I must work hard, put in the hours, and then I will be able to see tangible results from "my" ministry. This engages with my leadership style, my sermon/lesson prep, and my interaction and intent with relationships. A good pastor knows how to do the work, to roll up the sleeves and get after it. Right? Becoming self aware may be the first step of recovery, because in true self awareness, we hopefully discover that it is God orienting our actions, and that is confirmed through His revelation through us to those we are in community with.
I know and am very conscious of understanding that it is never "our" ministry - college taught me that, seminary greatly confirmed that. I wrestle with the insecurities, short-comings and failures of "my" ministry. Motivated by love for my students and the greater body of believers, I put all of my passion into ministry. When I see people listen and acknowledge that they understand, and then walk out of the church doors as if nothing has changed, I begin to doubt - not them but myself. This is where serious wrestling between me and God comes into play. "What am I doing here? Why me? Why don't they get it? Why am I failing your people?" In these times, I simply pray (often, very often), "I believe, help my unbelief!"
To submit my insecurities to God and fully commit (which involves action and not just intent) the ministry that God has allowed me to participate in, doesn't all of sudden mean success and peace. We are broken vessels. We struggle, we doubt. When we become so comfortable to not ask questions is when we become complacent. To let go of the control and to submit my insecurities and to commit my ministry to God is good in theory. I pray that God will reveal himself to and through me, so that theory can become a present reality.
I know and am very conscious of understanding that it is never "our" ministry - college taught me that, seminary greatly confirmed that. I wrestle with the insecurities, short-comings and failures of "my" ministry. Motivated by love for my students and the greater body of believers, I put all of my passion into ministry. When I see people listen and acknowledge that they understand, and then walk out of the church doors as if nothing has changed, I begin to doubt - not them but myself. This is where serious wrestling between me and God comes into play. "What am I doing here? Why me? Why don't they get it? Why am I failing your people?" In these times, I simply pray (often, very often), "I believe, help my unbelief!"
To submit my insecurities to God and fully commit (which involves action and not just intent) the ministry that God has allowed me to participate in, doesn't all of sudden mean success and peace. We are broken vessels. We struggle, we doubt. When we become so comfortable to not ask questions is when we become complacent. To let go of the control and to submit my insecurities and to commit my ministry to God is good in theory. I pray that God will reveal himself to and through me, so that theory can become a present reality.
posted by Levi at
7:55 AM
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