Lack of Articulation

I don't want to be a leader. I don't want to read leadership material that all succombs to the most effective and popular way to "lead." My gut instinct tells me that the more I have to "put on" these leadership ideals, the more I will fail. There it is. Bottom line. I'm tired of failing at leading. I desire transformation. I don't want to be shown the correct behaviors, I want to be thouroughly changed in my mind and heart so that my actions and behaviors are informed, are instinctive. I don't want the fake. You don't want the fake portrayed or conveyed as real either. I don't want to learn how to articulate a good argument, I want to truly embrace my/our story in Christ so that the words, experiences, and truths that come out of my mouth are truly incarnational words of the Spirit working through me. I don't want the right things to say, I want to live a life of truth and integrity, a life that without words points others to the coming Kingdom of Christ. How? Our biggest problem today is articulation. We have our experiences, granted. Our experiences do not translate to everyone. Our experiences are formed through an emotional response or event. Certain events do not define our lives, every single moment of every single day does. If I asked you to articulate your faith, could you? Do we know scripture? Do we know our brothers and sisters on a deep level? Do we know how to pray unselfishly? Do we yearn for transformation or assimilation? I don't have a rehearsed "Jesus means this to me" speech. Why? Because everyones relationship is different. No one relationship is identical, because we are all unique variables. All of us relate to Christ differently - and yet we are unified. Articulation doesn't happen in a written down or impromptu speech, it comes through a life faithful lived, graciously struggled through, hopefully restorative, and lovingly cultivated in faith. I desire transformation. I desire to be articulate. I desire to be faithful. Lord have mercy.