Wedding Day..

My friends,
I am writing 4 hours before my wedding. For everyone who has not yet been married, i give you a little insight to how i feel right now. Last night i planned on sleeping, excited yes, but tired enough to think i could sleep. I woke up in a sweat multiple times and did not in fact sleep soundly at all. Thoughts of what was at stake today was running through my head, i am actually officially pledging my love under God and State today to Katie, in front of many people. It is so exciting and yet can still be scary because it is completely foreign to me. None the less, i get up and go down to the hotel lobby to try and clear my thoughts. I go over my vows and make sure they express all that i pledge to do and be. I call my Dad for words of comfort that only a father can give, and to be honest i felt like i could cry at any time. Tears of happiness and joy of course, but i knew i could blubber like a baby. Which leads into my next interesting thought. The chances of me crying during my own wedding are about 100% possible. Tears of joy my friends, tears of joy.

I want to thank my groomsmen again, thanks to you this weekend has been chalked full of fun, laughter, memories, and...welts. I love you guys and thank you for your support. The next time i post on my blog...i will be a different man. I can not tell you how right now, but an event of this magnitude is bound to change a man. I am willing and ready to take this step, and it has been my prayer that Katie and I be held under God's protection and love because he has shown me love that i could never express or explain. Today three become one. Peace.
Levi

a reflection of friends...

I get married this weekend folks. Yes, it is true. I can say that this weekend will be the happiest weekend i've experienced thus far in my life. I not only get to marry my true best friend and bride, Katie, but all of my closest friends will get to celebrate with me. As a child you look back and think marriage is far off, and it is quite a wait, but it rushes upon you so fast that you must discipline yourself to take in every moment for what it is. I will be honored to have my best friends in the world standing up with me, supporting me in every way. I have my brother who has advised me and challenged me to live the best life that i can, i have michael who is truely an example of a great friend, dave who has always challenged me to think about faith, matt who i have lived with and is a sign of encouragement (in which i will be his moral compass whenever he needs me), brian who has grown up exactly as i have and we didn't even know each other for 18 years, dave morris who will always make me laugh and challenge my faith in a radical way, and ticknor who will always be an example of what it means to be clutch and extreme.

Why blog about a group of guys? I write to express my gratification to each one of them. I am who i am today because of influences they have had on me. They have not shaped me in my entireity, but have changed me and shaped my view of friendship and how God is displayed through all of our relationships. To simply see God is to view his presence and life through friends, and i have a great view of God thanks to these boys. This is a sincere thank you to you guys. Much love,
Levi

Nothing is settled...

I've been in KC for almost two weeks now. The first week was a test of will knowing that i had to be productive and find a job, insurance, take care of school ties, and work out a few details for Katie and my wedding. This week was to be the one where everything gets settled, but it is not...not yet. I have found myself to be anxious about alot of things and praying rather minimal. The word says to be anxious about nothing and pray about everything...so that means i have basically sucked at life this past week. It is frustrating because i know that i must maintain the ever gracious relationship i have with Christ but simply do not. I find myself wanting to but never doing. I could easily cop out of this responsibility by attributing my lack of discipline to my lax schedule since i've been here. I go to bed when i want and wake up when i want, check my email, watch clips of espn online because i don't have cable anymore and then ironically read a book about prayer. What do i do with this?

Strangely I've been okay with this this week. I do not advocate the absence of the word, but in a sense i am trying to understand God and the way i communicate with him, and have realized with all of this stress that i put upon myself by not having a job nailed down that i have been having many short "talks" with God that resound something like "God protect me, or please guide me to what you would want for me." I have been learning how to trust him....on this journey we have ups and downs and things rarely work out the way we would want them to but we always end up okay. I can only attribute this to God's work in my life even when i'm not expecting him to do things, especially in my way.

"God knows what i need, when i need it; i can trust him," these are the coined words of the pastor that preached this past sunday at Central Church of the Nazarene in Lenexa, Kansas. As i was expecting to find out about my job situation today, i found myself unable to sleep last night, then waking up early and just laying in bed repeating those words in my head. God does know what i need, and he does know when i need it...so why is so hard to trust him!!! Frustrating. God's timing is not what i would think, in fact, i could argue that God cares for me so much that he does know what i need and when i need it, therefore if i feel that God has disappointed me by not answering my prayers or whatever that he really is doing what is best for me and there was going to be no way for me to know otherwise.

It is not a foreknowledge that i speak of that is double-sided such as Calvin's predestination. Just because God knows my future does not mean that has sacrificed my own will. My relationship with God is contingent upon my response to him...ALWAYS. In fact, scripture says that God will give us the desires of our hearts, but if one would systematically break that phrase down would one come to the conclusion that we were created in the image of God to be like him in character and that the desires of our hearts would be the actual heart of God and not of ourselves anyways? So nothing is settled...the question is do i trust God? That all depends upon one's perspective of God i guess...and mine is of a loving figure that cares for me more than i can humanly comprehend...why would i ever doubt his provision? But i do...and nothing is settled...but i guess the real question is...does everything have to be settled for me to be happy, or can i live in the moment knowing that I am taken care of and spoken for?

life is a changing

College is over, a new life is beginning. The interesting thing is to step back and look at the decisions i'm making now once college is over and realize that i am a product of the values and choices i made in college. I know that this sounds like a simple discovery, but i can see myself make decisions, be more assertive, and take pride in it; i do this not to simply better my own standing, but am doing it because now without a shadow of a doubt i know that no one will do it for me. In college there was always this overhanging stigma that if i didn't do something then someone else would. It is really like i'm discovering that i'm someone totally different than who i thought i was. Whether or not other people could see it in me i never took that time to get to know myself.

So now life finds me in Kansas City, KS. The pressures to get a job, get insurance, get a new life basically are beckoning at my door. However, it is interesting to note that these things, though they cause me some anxiety here and there, are merely necessities that if i don't have i will suddenly be deliberately breaking the law (at least insurance), and rather than getting a pathetic little green slip from public safety, i will get in trouble with the residing state officials. But these things are not seen as scary anymore...they are but facets of life that need attention. I have found that if you take charge of life then you have at least some control over your future. The reality to that statement is that we will never have full control over life, and thank goodness because if i was completely in charge of my own life it would be a pitiful mess. Through anxiety and trouble, discomfort and uncertainty, i know that even when i am unfaithful God is by my side...and that is enough.