rough weekend

My friends, this has been a rough weekend for myself in the sports world. My Hawkeyes lost by five points at the end of the fouth quarter and my Cowboys lost by two, also at the end of the fourth quarter. That's a total of seven points for all of you math wizzes. However, the Cubs are in the playoffs playing the Dodgers, that's a plus. Where the odds of me seeing my Hawkeyes win a national championship is slight to none, the Cowboys have a legit chance of going/winnning the Superbowl this year. Also, why not us, why not this year in reference to the Cubs; the Church of the Nazarene came into existence one hundred years ago, the Cubs last won the world series one hundred years ago...a coincidence? I think not.

I feel a disconnect between "worship" and sunday morning "praise and worship." I really have found myself in what I can definitively say has occured this past year of being a spectator of worship...not by choice but because I feel zero connection with a body of believer's who sing praises. I'm thinking to myself, is it my attitude or what? Something is missing. The typical direction of this conversation usually resorts to "worship is a way of life," oh, oh so zen like is it? I see that as scriptural but still have not been genuinely changed by worship, I do not actively repent as an act of worship, i do not confess enough as an act of worship...and that is where i find myself. The all familiar verse in Romans 12 states to honor God as a living sacrifice which serves as an act of worship. The question is, have I really ignored the point of this verse. Have I misunderstood sacrifice by applying it to my own trivial circumstances of 'sacrifice' in which I feel sorry for myself (i work alot, i'm at school alot..etc). Repent. Change Direction.

If I am going to worship God I am going to repent of my sins and change directions back towards him...no matter how many times, no matter how irrelevent I begin to feel because I consistently fall. I will confess my sins, no just to God so that only he knows but to my peers, my friends, my body of believers so that I cannot remove from my predominantly Western oriented mind of personal, individuality and autonomy - a point that I must change unless I want to face the demise of my self-inflicted breakdown. My thoughts.

I don't resonate with Sunday morning worship where I am at. I cannot find peace in the modern worship context I am at...The point is not me leaving to find this change but to act as a channel of change wherever I'm at.