Life Revisions...

As the New Year approaches, I can say for the first time that I actually implemented my resolution from last year (eating more organic and no fast food) and it is now a pattern in my life. It is almost like that is what resolutions are supposed to be, a beginning to a new life pattern rather than a challenge of our will power versus some ridiculous life revision that doesn't coincide with our lifestyles at all. This year at this time, I'm trying to reflect on where I am, why I'm here, and where I'm going. To do this, I have to revisit a few anchors in my life that serve as a compass on my journey.

This year has involved seminary graduation, a move to Syracuse, and the start of a new career, I first count myself as residing in grace to be where I am today - I don't deserve it. As I look over my vast ministerial resume (6 months), I see that I started with a good theological foundation coupled with optimism to begin local ministry. As I take time to pause and reflect, I will now see if I have stayed true to what I had conceptually sought out to do. For me, the initial planning is where I excel, it's the details that must be completed in the nitty-gritty that often hang me up. As life took off at record speed this summer, am I sticking to my initial principles that govern my life, am I still acknowledging that it is by grace that I even participate in ministry?; Am I resisting the temptation to please everyone?; Am I keeping perspective in my ministry by keeping connections with friends outside of my church family?; Is the rate at which I am doing God's work destroying God's work in me?; Am I being true to myself, to my family, and to my ministry under God's grace? This is where I must spend time and reflect.

At the advent of a new year, I may just need to pause and reflect a little more before I get lost in the busy freeway that is life in general. This year, I encourage any of you to take time to pause and reflect on why you are doing what you are doing, why you are where you are, and how can we open up to let God's grace transform our lives? Grace and peace friends.

Home.

Home is a unique place. Home is a place where one grows up, whether it is one place or many. Home is always like "home base," a place where you know you are safe. As I grow older, what has always been "home" is now simply "Mom and Dad's." When I see my nieces and nephews running around the same house I used to, I see me - in a simpler time. Home is a place where I can be 100% vulnerable and spill whatever is on my heart no matter the consequence. Why? Because home is a place where I know that no matter what I am accepted.

As my five day stint at my parent's house comes to an end, I laid in bed with extreme anxiety. I began to let my mind take me captive in doubting myself saying, "you aren't there for your teens," "you should have those lessons written by now," "you are letting people down by not being there." Then the lie becomes exposed, and my anxiety begins to melt away as I remember that I am in a safe place, and that the values and lessons that I have learned here still affect my life now, as I begin to confront the doubt and realize that just because I am not at the crux of all of my anxiety right now, does not mean that I am a failure. Failure is a lie that confronts us in our most vulnerable state, but we live in hope that casts out all anxiety.

I realized in this moment that conflict makes us grow. In conflict we have two choices, to be passive and cower, or to oppose it with denial and try to be on the defensive that "yes I am good enough" and such. However, we can confront our issues without "fighting" them in an attempt to show everyone that we are good enough. We expose our issues and realize that anxiety casts doubt, and doubt is a place that is not exposed by light. We carry a hope inside of us and actually live in the presence of light that has come into the world to expose those in darkness and to bring them to light.

Through the growing pain of confronting anxiety, living in vulnerability even it may be uncomfortable, is the place where we can most be changed. It's where I am, and in the transformational hope of being made new everyday is where I want to live. Home.

a cycle unbroken...

While on vacation, I have had some time to reflect on the "circle of life" if you will. As Katie and I are expecting a little girl in May, I watch my niece and nephew grow and the life of my brother and sister-in-law as they raise them. I reflect back on a few Christmas memories and remember what I was like as a kid, and I see myself in my three year old nephew. I remember the care free times of play and the constant understanding that life was good. I look back and see the sacrifices that my parents made to make the season of Christmas great.

Life is certainly changing, and now I will be passing out of the lifestyle of the quasi-carefree 20 something just out of school into a father. Nights will have less sleep, days will have less "me" time, and life, which seems to be in the fast lane will certainly enter into hyper-drive. As I ponder and reflect, I remember how my parents made it seem easy, I have watched my siblings raise their children, and now it's my turn.

In this cycle unbroken of life, we are born, we live, we age, and we repeat. I'm ready for this transition. I'm ready to begin my family and experience the joys and sorrows of parenthood, the give and take of raising children, and gaining a better understanding of what love really is.

inner turmoil

You could say that I am incurring much inner turmoil at the moment. It is nothing new, in fact it is something that I have thought about for many years and will continue to think about for many years. It is the tension between scripture and life, church and work, miracles and change, peacemaking and passivity.

Scripture illuminates our lives as a story unfolds that isn't a history story, but an active historically present reality that first must be recognized, then it must be realized. Or maybe it is first realized, then we can recognize it? Scripture is said to be a double-edged sword, and my interpretation of that is that the words can so pierce our hearts that we are forced to move, to respond. On the other hand, the words also heal, in a way that is much more than a simple "get well" but a powerfully convicting "BE WELL!" Scripture calls us to change, and be change - not to feel better about our lives in a way that fortifies a self-sufficient mindset of preserving self so that we can keep going out and earning more dollars.

The tension lives in knowing what is right and then justifying my own ideas of a way that is beneficial to me and really serves my own life. Peacemaking is not being passive, and yet it is not being forceful or violent. Peacemaking is an active responsibility that we all are supposed to side with being followers of the Way, and yet many of us will push an agenda that is self-serving, country-praising, and anthropocentric. We are called to a new kingdom which does nothing but create tension in a place that lives to serve self. We live in a place that Christ is among and yet we don't see him, and that should make us concerned. We need to be looking for the savior, because He is one among us, he is moving in this world, he is transforming darkness into light, and yet many of us will not see him.

If we don't have inner turmoil then I guess we are content with life, but that is where the rub is. It's one thing to be content, it's another to be apathetic towards the problems that we can all help with. This is where I'm failing. This is where turmoil exists in my life. I need to see the theoretical and make it living action. I need saving from myself, and I need to see ALL people with the eyes of Christ. Not in a happy, warm your heart way, but in a nitty-gritty, shirt off my back, self-giving love that doesn't look pretty and doesn't fit into a schedule. I need intervention, that life is not about my agenda, but about self-giving love that was perfectly modeled by Jesus Christ. Amen.